Life imitates 1980's SNL parody

Niklas Stoepel is a 17-year-old synchronized swimmer with Olympic dreams. He has the moves (ie. "Ballet leg", "Lift", "Flamingo"). He has the desire. Unfortunately, he also has a penis.

Men are a no-no at the international level -- his application has been rejected by the governing body -- so for now, this aquatic Billy Elliot will remain Germany's little secret.

Unfortunately, the chlorine may be having an adverse effect on his perception: "Someone at a party was making fun of this guy who swims with a bunch of girls. He said that in front of me, not realizing that I was that boy. The others all laughed, and I think it was more embarrassing for him than it was for me." Really.

More shrinkage here.

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Bonus: Here's a clip from that SNL classic.

Garrito's Foto Friday: Truth in Advertising

©2009 Garrito

Word to the wise

I came across this while searching earlier for today's random shiny object on flickr. Figured I might as well post it.

No, Sally's hemorrhoids aren't enflamed. Sally is burning. Why is Sally burning? I'm pretty sure Billy the sick little bastard torched her.

Click on the image to see the whole image, including Billy trying to dispose of Sally's body.

Colorado has a very dirty mind

Sure, a license plate like THEPIG is fine and dandy. But try to express your feelings about vegan food and the state makes you out to be some trashy over-sexed nympho whore on wheels.

All Kelley Coffman-Lee wanted to do was tell the world how she felt about tofu: "It's not a dirty, evil food. It's very wholesome." [I'd like to learn more about these dirty, evil foods.]

But no-o-o-o. Colorado DMV officials saw through that little charade. They know the difference between TOFU and TO-F-U. They should, because they do the latter whenever you need new tabs.

(Click the healthy/dirty license for the complete story.)

Dozens turn out for chance to scare children

"Funny how? Funny like a clown, I amuse you?"

A bunch of bozos auditioned Monday in NYC for the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey's Circus, all hoping for a coveted spot in the Ringling Bros. clown college.

Why, WHY isn't this a reality show? In general I loathe reality TV (except for, I admit, Idol -- mostly for awesome freaks like Normund Gentle), but I would without a doubt tune in to watch a bunch of clowns stab each other in the back on a weekly basis.

Who, I ask, wouldn't want to see Floppy Shoe Race Week? Or Biggest Red Nose Week? Or, especially, Cram into a Tiny Car Week? (Like musical chairs, any clown who doesn't fit gets cut.)

The title of my little show? Well, since "The Biggest Loser" and "Funny or Die" are already taken, I think I'd go with "He Who Laughs Last".

(Full Disclosure: I once performed as a juggler with a clown partner at a kid's party. But jugglers are cool.)

Read about the desperately funny tryouts here.

Tropical Blunder

Never, ever leave a piece of fruit to watch your expensive photographic equipment.

A camera crew learned that lesson the hard way on the mean streets of Malmö, Sweden when they entrusted Japanese popstar Hideki Kaji with their gear. They were in the middle of filming the waif-ish, pineapple clad singer for a music video, when they stepped away to photograph their children.

Kaji, known for such gems as "Twinkle Twinkle Pointless Darling", was quickly robbed by 3 men (or was it four?!) who got away with the cameras.

Appropriately, the men beat the pineapple to a pulp.

(Click the fruit for the whole nutty story.)

Update: Dammit, I just went and did the absolute stupidest thing I could have done. I watched a couple Hideki Kaji videos on YouTube...and I liked them. So now I feel bad about his little pineapple teeth getting kicked in. Dammit.

Red, White & Screwie

Rutgers University attempted a Guinness World Record a few days ago. A university setting a record? Awesome! It's got to involve beer and projectile vomiting, right? Nope. Then sex, surely? Longest daisy chain?! Guess again. That leave food, huh? Most buffalo wings consumed in an hour, without projectile vomiting? Not even close.

No, Rutgers University decided to get their geek on in the worst way. Eclipsing the last big nerd record -- highest Guitar Hero score -- and looking like a mass breakout from nearby Rahway State Prison, the school went with the squeaky clean "World's Biggest Gathering of Where's Waldos".

They easily beat the record, with over a thousand Waldos showing up. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a projectile vomiting record to attempt.

Time again for Garrito's Foto Friday

Today, boys and girls, we're taking a field trip to the Volunteer Park Conservatory in Seattle to witness a rare blossoming of the world's largest unbranched inflorescense flower. It's called the Corpse Flower (because it smells like a decomposing mammal), and it can grow to over 9 feet.

Its real name is Amorphophallus titanum, which translates to "giant misshapen penis". Can you say "giant misshapen penis", boys and girls?

Hands off, Maryann and Adrianne!

What was I saying? Oh yes, naturalist Sir David Attenborough changed the name of the plant to the boring Titan arum for his boring BBC show, The Private Lives of Plants. Why? Apparently he giggled every time he said "phallus".

Notice the vasectomy scar.

That didn't keep this woman from using protection.

Classic case of giant misshapen penis envy.

Photos ©2009 Garrito

Boy meets girl, girl bleeds boys

I never envisioned this as a movie review blog, but then I've never seen a motion picture quite like Let The Right One In, a Swedish vampire movie in a different vein. (OK, I'll try to refrain from more "sink your teeth into..." gimmes.)

I'm not going to give a full-on review here (check out my friend's take on the flick at I Love Splatter!), except to say it combines the classic elements of coming-of-age romance with coming-out-of-a-coffin ghoulishness. And like some truly great thrillers, it's what doesn't appear on screen that makes it special.

If you thought the scariest things coming out of Sweden were Ikea chair beds (Lycksele Lövås) and under-ripe lingonberries, get ready for a herring-raising experience. (Sorry.)

Two Fangs, way up!

Communism causes explosive diarrhea

Poor, poor Vladimir Lenin. It's not enough that Communism ultimately failed, but now a statue of him seems to be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. Adding insult to injured rectum is that it happened in St. Petersburg, Russia, which used to be named after him (Leningrad).

I guess you could say he has a bad case of the trotsky's.

PS. Happy Birthday, Harmony! (Thanks for the tip, Samsmama)